I follow a meditation blogger, whom I find very useful to turn to when my mind runneth over with crap. He does not write too often, but when he writes, I feel that he writes for me. I re-read many of his essays when disturbed and it helps me deal with my turbulence. Occasionally, he would publish a post just on the day I need it most. Like today.
Having been caught in an unusually strong attack of PMS, and having scrubbed and dusted the house until I could not hold a duster any longer, I turned on my own body and could not find one thing nice about it – heaviness, cellulite, pain, and more importantly, no amount of scrubbing was making my skin clean enough – a sure sign of a kick-ass hormonal party. Just when I was wondering how much longer I was going to have to put up with this before the blessed deliverance, I saw that my blogger had posted about cleaning up the world from the inside. Reading it gave me the “aha” that usually accompanies reading any of his posts – that what is inside is all that shows outside. My intense need to clean coincides with the time that my brain is filled with garbage of thoughts. The more the garbage, the greater the urge to clean outside of me, while the way to go is to clean the inside of me. My head.
I know how I should go about it – the breath, but will I be able to when struggling in the whirlpool of hormones that has me in its core? It is so easy in this whirlpool to blame everything on anything outside of me – an aggravating relative, the weather, the body pain, my hormones – when all I need to do is to count, one breath at a time.