My head is out to kill me. There has been so much chatter – unnecessary, indeed harmful chatter – all day that I feel exhausted now. I am almost afraid to wake up tomorrow morning lest the brain would go into hyperdrive again.
In the middle of the chatter I thought I had a minor epiphany about how life must go on no matter the chatter, and it is best to let the chatter be without letting it mess up the chest area. Like I said, it was a minor epiphany, and it soon passed, and the chest got heavy with the hyperactive reactive thinking, which has left me a spent force now. And it’s not even PMS time, thank God for that. If it had been, I might have done a lot of damage by acting on the thoughts.
Yes, this is a difficult period in my life, I agree. But this isn’t new. I have faced equally difficult or worse periods every now and then in my life, and although they seemed like a mountain at that time, like it does now, they have always passed. But somehow, when the brain is on hyperdrive, the argument is never convincing.
I am always guarded when I talk, because I believe that the spoken word can do more damage than people think. I never raise my voice (except when I am nagging the kid to do her homework or clean her room – but I am justified there) to other people, never say an unkind word (although often enough my mind is using expletives that can’t be written in a blog read by semi-decent people – but karma is a function of actions, not thoughts) and never, never, never tease anyone. Teasing is a sign of arrogance and you never know whether or not it would hurt the recipient. I am a boring person.
Yet, last night, thinking I was being funny, I said something that ended up being hyper-mean to my better half. The fellow was taken aback, and I felt like crap for the rest of the evening (despite apologising profusely). Ah well, another notch lower in my own eyes, I fall.
Been doing a lot of translation and editing work today. I know a mom shouldn’t have favourites among her children, but of the three kinds of work I do in my job – original writing of scientific ideas, editing other people’s documents and translating, I like the first best – it is challenging and makes me feel so alive. The other two are not bad, there is something magical about seeing a messy document get cleaned and seeing an idea in one language being transferred into another, but those leave me physically tired at the end of the day.
I suck at socialising, have I told you that? In a crowd, I clam up or worse, squeak. There are a bunch of moms that blah-blah outside school every afternoon. I stand with the group but can’t add any value to the conversation. Not that the conversation has any value in the first place – they are usually talking about stuff like astrology, religion and stuff that I don’t care a rat’s ass about. That notwithstanding, I suck at socialising.
Wish me luck for the next two-three months. A lot is at stake on the personal front, and I hope I emerge from them in some shape.