I feel a little hysteric today, it seems that life is going full throttle on autopilot and a little out of control. I don’t have any specific work-deadlines, but there is a steady stream of work with no let up at all. I tried taking the day off yesterday but felt very uncomfortable by the end of the day, I got back to work today. My inefficiency and poor time management have reached new highs. I was hoping to take next week off, but I already have two jobs that I must work on. One of them is the tech article for mobicip, and the other is a paper for a Chinese client. The former would take a couple of hours, and the latter, perhaps a day, but they are there. Maybe I will work on them over the weekend and take the week off.
I also feel like I am unable to find personal time and space to breathe. There is always something to be done. Someone to be taken care of, some chore awaiting. “Leisure” has become a painful yearning inside me, and it feels like I would never be able to experience it ever again.
I went to my husband’s office today to work, because I really wanted a change of scene, and I found a glass painting I had made for him years ago. Yeah, I have seen it before, but today I felt an intense longing to paint something like that again. I have been yearning for quite a few things in the past few days, and I really need to be able to do them sometime soon:
- glass painting
- do some colouring in the adult colouring book I have not touched in a year
- chant the Vishnu sahasranamam – not as much as a religious exercise, but as a mental exercise to sit by myself in one place and do something other than work. Why sahasranamam? Because it would take a good 25 minutes to chant it fully, and I want that much of uninterrupted time to myself.
- meditation – the breath is going haywire. And I have not been able to meditate in a week. The distraction is hormonal, but I really need to tame that beast.
- finish reading Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. Am 50% done. Would love to lie on the couch after lunch, read it in stupor and fall asleep right there. Ah, there’s that word again- leisure.
As I type this post, the kitten that drops in and out of our home is in front of me, telling me that this is what I need to do. Will I take the hint?