Flow of thoughts

I have made the decision to stay where we are now and let my father take care of my inheritance as long as he lives.  I am not ecstatic about the decision because I can already anticipate the ways in which it will turn back and bite me.  I am also being incredibly selfish in this decision, I know.  But sometimes one must wear her own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.

When my grandfather was in coma and on life support a couple of decades ago and it was left to me to make the decision to take him off life support or keep him on it indefinitely, I was relieved after I decided to let him go, despite the fact that my decision resulted in the death of another human being .  I feel no such relief with this decision because I know the losses that come from it – the fact that my septuagenarian father would live alone in that big house (with hired help of course), that my own family would miss out living in a large independent house.  But my gut says that this is what would be good, not only in the homeostatis that it offers, but in practical terms – easier and shorter commute,  better social life, my work, comfortable distance from extended family and independence to my father for as long as he can take care of himself.   Maybe I am being short sighted, but the future always takes care of itself when it becomes the present, and so making uncomfortable changes now for a possibly comfortable future is not my comfort zone. Perhaps I am wrong.  Only time will tell.

**

We have tickets to go to my husband’s home town for the weekend.  He is not keen on going, but I want to go, because I have withdrawals about visiting that temple – it has been a year since I visited it – the temple is my sanctuary. Besides, I need a break it seems, both from work-work and from my domestic responsibilities.  And some me-time in the temple to up my meditation schedule and organise my thoughts and emotions.  The kid is also looking forward to the break, so we may leave the chap behind and go.

**

My lower stomach is still bunched up and hurts.  I wonder if it is the heat (Lord, it’s hot), or my stress levels, or something more physical – I had adenomysosis a few years ago, but I don’t have all the symptoms now…just the stomach discomfort.  Perhaps I should see my gyn when I return.

**

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Flow of thoughts

  1. Hangaku Gozen

    Making the decision to take a loved one off life support is difficult, to say the least. You have both my sympathy and respect. When it came time to let my mother go, my siblings and father didn’t seem to understand how gravely ill Mom was. My sister didn’t understand that our mother had slipped into a deep coma and would never come out; she kept talking about Mom as if she was just sleeping. My brother babbled about his experience putting his old dog to sleep, which offended and angered the doctor. Dad was offended by the chaplain’s offer to call a priest for Mom because “we only do that when people are dying,” and kept yelling at me because of some minute detail that had annoyed him. The doctor and nursing staff finally began talking to me exclusively, because I was the only person in the family who acted like an adult grounded in reality. But it is never easy and takes a great deal of strength and courage. I think your decision to have your father live in the house is a sound one. If he and you can afford to keep up a separate household, and your father is up to living alone in a large house, then it works for everyone except maybe your husband. (He’s the one who wanted to move, I take it?)

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    1. gobblefunkist Post author

      Yes, it works for all of us except my husband. But he is supportive of my decision, so it should be sorta ok.
      I worry about my father living alone, but it’s better than all of us living under the same roof because the last time that happened (I was 28), it was painful.
      I was 18 when I pulled the plug on my grandfather. I did it because my grandmother left the decision to me, and my father didn’t want to interfere because this was his father-in-law. It was excruciating to tell the doctor to do it. I wondered a long time if I was a murderer.

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  2. Maha

    Yay for having made a decision. Now do yourself a favor, don’t look back or look forward. You had to help your patti decide when you were 18. I can imagine how much strength your patti derived from you.

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  3. SS

    I would have made the same decision LG. Makes a lot of sense. It is never easy to make a decision between two choices that cannot be reconciled. We have all been there.

    Have a great trip!!

    SS

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  4. Carol

    Decision made, no second-guessing. You have done what you feel is best, and when a change of choice is absolutely necessary, that can be done too. Make your trip, enjoy it, let your mind and responsibilities go and take in whatever comes up. Self-preservation matters.

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