This is a contemplative (read: depressing) post, so feel free to skip if you don’t want to witness shameless navel gazing.
After a long time, I lost my temper this morning. The trigger was a reminder to a life-altering event that happened in my life two years ago. I had believed that I was completely over it, but it seems I am not. I did not even realise that I was disturbed by the trigger until a very minor domestic infraction, something that I would have ignored otherwise or perhaps even laughed about, broke me down completely. And as is usual during the rare times that I lose my temper, the waterworks started (in front of others, gasp !) and wouldn’t stop for many minutes.
The aftereffect is that I feel like I stepped on crap. First because I don’t like losing my temper – I can’t make sense of it, second because I thought I was making some progress with my meditation, but I could not control my temper when it mattered. Third because, why the heck do I cry when I get angry? People scream, sulk, get rude, make gestures, get violent when they are angry. Who cries? Well, I do, but that was a rhetoric. The net result is that I feel like I am standing in the middle of a congregation of humanity, butt naked. And knee deep in crap.
Anger and fear are, IMHO, the worst emotions we are blessed with. Not the instinctive anger/fear, because of which, we are not yet extinct, but the kind of anger and fear that are created by the stories of the mind. I am pretty sure the chemical principles behind the two kinds of anger (instinctive versus mind-stories) are different – I suspect the first involves adrenalin and the second, cortisol. But I am being pedantic. I have been trying to breathe my day through, but it has been hard, and the stories keep building in my head. And the dam is not fully secure as well; the waterworks could restart anytime again, at the stories my brain is trying to kill me with.
The minor straw that broke me is yet to be fixed. But in the big picture, I need to figure out how to let the two-year-old-life-changing-event go.
Everyone else seem to lead such easy lives within their heads. Why is mine so complicated?