Today is the day, I want to

  • Not feel hot and sweaty.
  • Not be responsible for other people’s nourishment. I ordered breakfast today, but I don’t want to be the one to order food.  And put the empty packets away. And plan the next meal.  And the one after.
  • Not feel guilty about the work backlog. I love my job, but even a much adored job needs a break lest it becomes a chore.
  • Not feel like a failed parent because I am not chauffeuring the kid to gazillion classes like other moms out there.  That she would be a failure because I am an irresponsible mother?
  • Not feel like a failed human being for not achieving anything.  Make that “for not feeling bad about not achieving anything”.  Should I be doing something else?  Changing the course of history perhaps?  Instead of blogging?
  • Not hear anyone talk. To anyone.  I don’t want music.  I don’t want birds chirping. I don’t want rustle of leaves.  I don’t want automobile honks.  I don’t want the whirr of the fan.  I want silence. Complete and total silence.
  • Not feel guilty about wanting to be alone.  I am constantly told that I am fortunate to have a charming family and that I am evil for wanting a break.  I love my family, but I want a break – even a day’s break would do – I don’t want to be surrounded by family – immediate, near, distant – for just one day.  If that makes me a lousy human being, so be it.
  • Not beat myself up about the messy kitchen. And the unfolded clothes.  And the toilet that needs cleaning.
  • Not feel responsible for old people and their real and imaginary grouses.
  • Not blame everything on hormones.  Today is not about hormones.  Today is about my human frustration.

Perhaps it is the relentless heat and humidity of my beach city. Perhaps it is the hot flashes that strike promptly every morning at 4 am, leaving me drenched and restless for an hour. Perhaps it is my stupid scruples of saving the world by not switching on the A/C.  Perhaps it is the chronic dull pain in my gym-trained body.  Perhaps it is my plants that won’t grow no matter how much I care for them. I woke up for the second time at 6 AM after a fitful post-hot-flash restless sleep, wanting to scream.

And this too shall pass.



9 thoughts on “Ennui

  1. momto2cuddlebugs

    This too shall pass, Amen. After I read your post and went to check FB, this is what showed up on my feed. Strange. Thought it would resonate with you.

    To protect my energy it’s ok to change my mind.

    To protect my energy it’s ok to cancel a commitment.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to take a day off.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to not answer that call.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to not share myself.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to do nothing.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to be alone.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to speak up.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to move on.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to let go.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to change.

    To protect my energy it’s okay to say NO.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Carol

    I’m a firm believer in having/taking time for yourself just because you want/need to – time to be spent however you choose. Then again, I also understand that guilt thing – the very thing that’s in the back of my brain telling me “the lawn needs mowing, the floors need vacuuming, the furniture needs dusting, something else needs something”. Sigh.


  3. Suchitra

    We all have days like these. Kudos to you for admitting them. I especially can relate to wanting some alone time. Beautifully expressed, my dear. You are not alone in this guilt. I’m sorry I am not of much help. Still, just knowing that you are not alone helps in alleviating guilt sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person


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