Potatoes must be banned from my family

I have a nubile sister-in-law-once-removed (“co-sister” in Indian parlance) who looks up starry eyed to me as a role model daughter-in-law (eye roll), and tries to impress me (double eye roll) every time I visit her.  She believes that making international food (pizza, pasta, bean burrito et al) at home amounts to being a paragon, and tries to emulate me (my eye is going to get stuck that way), little realising that her role model is a faltering, self-bashing, inefficient, imperfect, unbaked-clay footed human being, despite the gazillion times I have tried to impress it upon her.  Unfortunately, her attempts to impress me are usually catastrophic, and she ends up feeling worse about herself than before, despite me repeatedly telling her that all I want to be is her friend.  Having a fifteen year age difference between us does not help any.

Last Sunday, I visited her and she decided to impress me yet again by making French fries.  What was brought to me on a plate was a bunch of limp French cut potatoes soaked in oil. SOAKED. Not wanting to get her into her self-bashing, I-am-not-as-good-as-Gobblefunkist- mode (God, my eye sockets hurt), I entrusted my liver to the supernatural and swallowed a few of the blasted stuff.

Within five minutes, I could feel my innards shutting down.  I attributed it to psychosomatic effects of the sight of potatoes floating in oil, ignored the queasiness that continued well into the day and went about doing my stuff. Monday was uneasy, but nothing I couldn’t handle. On Tuesday, an invisible hand was squeezing the abdominal area now and then.  Again, nothing I couldn’t handle with a few doses of ginger beer and salted buttermilk. Wednesday was, umm…ok, but there was something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

All hell broke loose (as did my stomach) on Thursday, and I spent most of the day alternating between the potty and doubled up in bed groaning.  My no-antibiotics rule flushed down the toilet along with other things, and I got on the bandwagon.  The potatoes-in-oil were too strong for antibiotics, it seems, and while the runs have somewhat subsided and the stomach does not scream bloody-murder as loudly, there is a constant threat of the contents of my innards defying gravity and the moment my head leaves the pillow, the earth spins way faster than 1036 miles per hour.

I really like my sister-in-law and she IS a wonderful person as she is.  I wonder how I can convince her of that.



17 thoughts on “Potatoes must be banned from my family

  1. Carol

    Can you tell her you don’t really care for that kind of food and what you just said about liking her asis? I say this, suspecting I would mangle it if it were me.


    1. Gobblefunkist Post author

      It is so hard to do this without sounding patronizing. I really feel so bad that she puts herself through so much pressure about me – the irony being, I am not even close to being as good as she thinks I am. She has never had exposure to the outside world – she married early and is a home-maker, so she is very hard on herself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gobblefunkist Post author

        You know, at the moment, I don’t care a dang. I am just out of the hospital after getting my body fluids replenished by liquid from a plastic pouch hung from a rusty stand. I am certainly not impressed today.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Gobblefunkist Post author

        I am just returning from the hospital after an IV infusion to make up for all the fluids I have lost thanks to the oil-logged potatoes she tried to impress me with.
        I really need to back off and let her find her ground. And me? My liver.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. barbtaub

    You’re a really good person to go through this once for family. A really good but stupid one to do it twice though… “I’m sorry but my stomach just can’t handle this today. Thanks so much for the thought. Maybe we could package up some for me to take home?”


      1. barbtaub

        It’s really slippery up there on that pedestal! I’m the eldest of eight sisters (8!), and one of the younger ones told me once that they seriously thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world. (Pretty funny if you had seen me back in the day, where even at my peak I barely made it to “cute”.) Their admiration was a bit checked by the sister –she inevitably became an engineer– who reminded them that they had not yet seen EVERY girl in the world.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. SS

    Take care LG! Hope you are feeling better.

    It is hard to say no for some of us, especially to someone nice. I end up in situations where I feel bad saying yes or no…and thinking that the other person should never have put me in the situation to choose. While full well knowing it is my inability to handle the situation. I am just in awe of people who can naturally take care of their interests first in a nice way…not the selfish ones! No use feeling like a fool or suffering for your niceness one too many times. I am still learning to say no without a guilty conscience 🙂

    Pathiram arinthu pichaiidu – comes to mind. There is probably a better one for this situation.


    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Gobblefunk Words

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