The fag end of the Western calendar year. Time for resolutions. Or not. But, just to keep in with the spirit, I resolve something every year, and keep it up for two weeks before I slacken (only slacken, not give up). So, ideally, I should give up on the idea of resolutions, but I figure, if I can be a better person, even if only for two weeks, why not?
My resolutions in the past few years have ranged from banal ones like no smileys in any form of written communication to profound ones such as more mindfulness in everything I do. I start off following the resolutions rigidly but later relax in keeping with the times. For instance, while I do avoid using smileys until now, I don’t beat myself on using them if the situation warrants. While I no longer sit in one place and try to breathe my life through for a long period of time, I do let in my breath into my consciousness during my daily routine, which makes me a marginally better person. I had, once earlier, resolved to stop overthinking everything. I have, over time, realised that I need to overthink, sometimes in my profession, sometimes in my private life, in order to, as the cliche goes, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. What I have learned over years of overthinking about overthinking is that if I overthink, I overthink; what’s more important is to not judge the addendum thoughts or let them define me and my actions.
With that preamble, I get to this year’s. This one is supremely banal, but I need to do it because this is important for me to hold on to my original principles of living. The resolution is this: No more profanities/bad words/swear words, both in thoughts and voice. This is important because I have, lately, taken to using the eff word so much in my head that it has inadvertently slipped out on more than one occasion, what’s worse, at my kid. First, the eff word is a gender slur, a violent one at that, and secondly, it makes me common. Very common.
I make exception for one word – darn. I have always used “darn” from childhood, much to the chagrin of the nuns who raised me in school, but the word has been my catharsis. I’ll resort to “Darn” henceforth. (You aren’t rolling around laughing at how seriously I take myself, are you?).
My week has been hectic. I had a house guest for three days, a friend from my first post-grad. My family had originally intended to go away, leaving the house to me and my friend, but plans changed, and I had a full house. A whole bunch of other ex-classmates dropped in and out, we gallivanted all over our sprawling city, here by bus, there by metro, and a good many kilometers on the trusted feet, and while it was fun, the introvert in me was screaming for silence at the end of it. It didn’t help that I had some government registration thing to take care off the day my friend left, which involved a whole day of running around from one office to another, and by yesterday I was less than a spent force. It’s been a day since the dust has settled, but my mind is still screaming for solitude. This, as I write, is the first instance in many days, that I have some semblance of it.
My kid turns 14 on New Year’s eve. I am clutching every moment, because as each birthday passes, I am getting closer to the day she would fly away. When I was a younger mom, I believed I would let the young wings take flight gracefully, now I am terrified. Oh well, I have a few more years for that….que sera sera.
She has a party planned for her friends today. I usually go overboard when she does – bake a cake, make thematic snacks and all that. This year, I am just giving her some money and booting the bunch out of the house to go wherever and eat whatever, as long as they don’t bring back rotovirus. One part of me is a little guilty, but looks like the kid finds this better, remember the sprouting wings that scare me?
I need help with being more organized. But that can happen only if I stop wanting to do everything. I can’t decide which is more important to me – being organized or doing everything I want to do….hmm. Anyone else with this conundrum?
I believe I will write again before the year is out, but in case I can’t get to the system, Happy New Year people.