Actually, the title should read, “oh dietician community, you are out to kill me”.
It all started a few weeks ago, when I realised my inner-wear, which usually goes loose with use, actually got tighter. I knew I was on the upwardly mobile stage in which everything moves up – the weight, the layers, the lack of energy (caught you there, didn’t I?), and the general feeling of ill-health.
I am not a body shammer and give two hoots about looks, but I need to be within a particular range of weight and size to feel physically comfortable. When existing clothes get tight, I find it more appealing to reduce to fit the clothes than shop for larger clothes. I hate shopping like that.
There are two routes to shedding – work out and/or eat less, the latter being more important than the former for me, because, admit it, half an hour on the stairclimber burns 200 calories, the equivalent of three tablespoons of rice. Hence, while continuing to climb the stairs, I must attempt to eat fewer calories, as common sense would have it.
I know that my metabolism has reduced in inverse proportion to my laziness to cook healthy food. The laziness comes partly from the fact that I feed a teenager who needs a high-calorie, high protein diet (within vegetarian limits, if you know what I mean) or she melts into oblivion, and it is a pain to make two different meals, one for her that is packed with stuff she can burn by just existing, and one for the older one, whose clothes dissent even an eyeball of food. The additional work load and familial stress has also led to more and more of swiggying (food delivery service), the results of which, are disharmoniously sung by the ensemble of clothes on me.
When have we, as a species, listened to the sensible part of the brain that says “you know what to do..don’t google”? Here’s what I learn.
- Grains are bad because early Homo sapiens didn’t eat grains. Can you see a single homo sapiens fossil that is overweight?
- Grains are good because when Homo sapiens moved from the African forests to the arid savannahs during the ice age, they ate only grains and lived long and happy lives. We know because they told us.
- Eat only meat because once the body realises that that’s all it would get, it would burn all its internal organs instead, and when internal organs are burnt, you lose weight.
- Meat is bad because you will burn in hell because you killed animals. No matter that you will let your neighbour starve and still go to heaven.
- Wheat is a killer because of gluten, although when you google for teatime snacks, all you get are not even wheat, but white flour, that is pure and unadulterated gluten.
- Millets are killers. Because it is Indian and Indians have traditionally eaten it for centuries and anything that ancient or Indian must be wrong. And all ancient Indians went about with disfigured necks because they ate too much millets and ended up with goitre.
- Quinoa is the best food to eat because it costs an arm, a leg and two kidneys, and anything expensive must be good. Also because some white fellow said it is good. When have white people been wrong?
- Rice is a killer because I like rice.
- Coconut oil is out to kill you.
- Coconut oil is your saviour.
- Ghee (clarified butter) clogs your arteries
- Ghee is ambrosia
- Cheese is bad because cholesterol and stuff
- Cheese is good because protein and, well, white people eat it all the time.
- Soy is bad because it can mess up hormones.
- Soy is good because anything far eastern is better than eastern.
- You must eat small meals frequently through the day.
- You must eat two large meals, and not even swallow your spittle in between.
- Dairy is bad
- Dairy is good because probiotics
- Fruits are good
- Fruits have fructose. Stay away.
- Starving is good
- Starving is bad because the body readies for famine and stores fat.
Shopping for clothes is looking increasingly attractive to me.