Category Archives: Family circus

Motherhood is overrated

Kid: Mom, you don’t like S’s mom, no?
Me: No, no, Its not that I don’t like her, its just that she is a tiger mom and I feel very inadequate as a mom when I talk to her.
Kid: Don’t be ridiculous. You are adequate.
Me: I am not sure. Other moms take an interest in their kid’s life.
Kid: Oh, you had better not start taking interest in mine. I would disown you.

I have a nagging feeling that this conversation wasn’t exactly complimentary , but I am taking the last request by the kid and running.

Potatoes must be banned from my family

I have a nubile sister-in-law-once-removed (“co-sister” in Indian parlance) who looks up starry eyed to me as a role model daughter-in-law (eye roll), and tries to impress me (double eye roll) every time I visit her.  She believes that making international food (pizza, pasta, bean burrito et al) at home amounts to being a paragon, and tries to emulate me (my eye is going to get stuck that way), little realising that her role model is a faltering, self-bashing, inefficient, imperfect, unbaked-clay footed human being, despite the gazillion times I have tried to impress it upon her.  Unfortunately, her attempts to impress me are usually catastrophic, and she ends up feeling worse about herself than before, despite me repeatedly telling her that all I want to be is her friend.  Having a fifteen year age difference between us does not help any.

Last Sunday, I visited her and she decided to impress me yet again by making French fries.  What was brought to me on a plate was a bunch of limp French cut potatoes soaked in oil. SOAKED. Not wanting to get her into her self-bashing, I-am-not-as-good-as-Gobblefunkist- mode (God, my eye sockets hurt), I entrusted my liver to the supernatural and swallowed a few of the blasted stuff.

Within five minutes, I could feel my innards shutting down.  I attributed it to psychosomatic effects of the sight of potatoes floating in oil, ignored the queasiness that continued well into the day and went about doing my stuff. Monday was uneasy, but nothing I couldn’t handle. On Tuesday, an invisible hand was squeezing the abdominal area now and then.  Again, nothing I couldn’t handle with a few doses of ginger beer and salted buttermilk. Wednesday was, umm…ok, but there was something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

All hell broke loose (as did my stomach) on Thursday, and I spent most of the day alternating between the potty and doubled up in bed groaning.  My no-antibiotics rule flushed down the toilet along with other things, and I got on the bandwagon.  The potatoes-in-oil were too strong for antibiotics, it seems, and while the runs have somewhat subsided and the stomach does not scream bloody-murder as loudly, there is a constant threat of the contents of my innards defying gravity and the moment my head leaves the pillow, the earth spins way faster than 1036 miles per hour.

I really like my sister-in-law and she IS a wonderful person as she is.  I wonder how I can convince her of that.

 

Lunar family

Conversation as the kid was leaving for school.

Dad: I think my shorts tore at the back. Please check.

Mom: Oh yeah, that’s a tear alright.

Dad: Good that I am wearing underwear, no?

Mom: Yeah, or else we’d have a double moon vision.

The kid sits on the floor with her head between her knees muttering “I didn’t ask to be born, you know”

Another day in the Gobblefunk household

Kid: What would happen if a werewolf went to the moon?

Dad:  He would no longer be a where wolf. He would be a there wolf.

Kid:  Aargh, appa, be serious. We are discussing something important here.

Mom:  Depends on which face of the moon he would be – man on the dark side, werewolf on the bright side.

Kid: So, the werewolf is not really affected by the moon but by the light of the sun..  wow, wonder why no one came up with that.

They don’t belong to the Gobblefunk family, that’s why.

Wonder woman

I hate super hero movies.  I am sometimes forced to watch them because there is no other adult to chaperone the kid and her friends who dig them.  The last time I watched some such movie – Captain America, I believe, I returned home with a headache and a lousy mood.

I had to chaperone the kid and her friends to Wonder Woman today.  I was grumbling all morning.

What do you know…I loved it.  I know, soon enough I will start identifying plot holes, sexist stuff and other things, but my first impression is that I loved it.  Except for the stereotype of Germans being the bad guys.  Why must Germans always be the bad guys?  But to be fair, if we were to take a movie like this, the Pakistanis would always be the bad guys, and vice versa.  So….glossing lightly over that, it was a nice movie.  Violence notwithstanding.  But it is a war based movie, and a superhero movie…of course there was going to be violence.

And Gal Gadot – what a gal, I tell you. Boy, chiselled to perfection.  I am sure there is considerable photoshop involved…such perfection is not possible in nature.

**

A typical conversation between the kid and me:

Seeing me WhatsApp a friend about the movie, addressing it as “Super Woman”, the kid goes ballistic. “Amma, it is wonder woman, not super woman…I can’t believe you”.

“Oh, is super woman a different character then?”

“There is no super woman, there is only super girl”

“Why ?  Didn’t she grow up?”

Kid refused to sit next to me at the theatre.

**

As usual, I teared up at Jay He.

And in the movie.  Who cries at a super hero movie?  Apparently me, and the woman sitting behind me, who I suspect was in the throngs of PMS or something – she was sobbing her heart out.

 

 

Family fun

We have guests this weekend.  My cousin’s charming wife (let’s just address her as s-i-l because we consider cousins as “brothers” in our part of the world) and my charming niece are visiting us. They spend the nights in a hotel because our house is too small to have overnight guests, but other than that we have spent some fantastic times this weekend.

It is not often that your sister-in-law is a good friend, and this is one of those cases (touch wood).  S-i-l and I have a great rapport, we have the same kind of thought process, we laugh to the same jokes, and crack the same kinds too.  Our parenting styles are similar and the second generation second cousins – the kid and my niece – have similar attitudes and interests and get along fabulously as well.

Yesterday we spent hours at the beach.  Today we watched Salazar’s Revenge, ate out, and visited a bunch of oldie relatives in different corners of the city.  I am exhausted, but in a nice kind of way.

They leave tomorrow.  And life would fall into boring routine.

Have a great week ahead folks.

 

Haunting

The 13-year old kid and her 12-year old cousin are at the back seat of the car on the way to the beach.  They are discussing the stupidity of horror movies.

Kid:  You know, everything is clear.  Don’t open the door.  Don’t pick up the phone.  What do they do? They open the door. They pick up the phone.  Seriously…what’s wrong with them?

Cousin:  Yeah.  And then, things would go bump at night, windows would slam, yet, the lady of the house would say “it’s the wind”.  What’s with that?

Kid:  And get this.  There is a psycho with a machete outside the back door.  What would the girl do?  Not run to her well-lit neighbour’s house through the front door. Instead she will run into a dark cul-de-sac with the psycho in pursuit.

Cousin: And yeah…what’s with ghosts scaring inmates?  If I were a ghost, and you were the inmate of the house, I would simply tell you – you stay in that room, I will stay in this, we won’t bother each other.  Just give me the Wi-Fi password.

Cousin and kid are truly related by blood, I can see.