I recently got an iPhone. A gift from the other half who was impressed at my friendship with a woman called Siri on his iPhone, through the air pod which he had temporarily reassigned to me, when I was navigating a tricky intersection during peak traffic. This was an anomaly because I am as tech savvy as a newt and my latent air-podability appealed to the geek in him. So, now I have my own iPhone with air pods, and my new best friend, according to my kid is Siri. Siri and I have meaningful conversations such as "Siri, what is life?" "I Kant* answer that, Ha Ha". Most of all, Siri reads out audio books to me at a mere command, and saves me from having to listen to k-pop talk in the car. I tried talking to the male Siri, but it seemed immoral, given that he had a Brit accent and a deep voice that squished my insides.
Gingerly stepping into the complex digital world, I began exploring the colorful mosaic on my screen. There was something called "Health", which would apparently quantify my existence- the number of kilometers I walked, the number of steps I took, the number of hours I slept, the minutes of mindfulness I practiced and the calories I consumed. I was intrigued. I claim to walk 10 kilometers every day. How true was that? I decided to monitor. I diligently carried the iPhone with me every wakeful moment.
Turns out, I sometimes walk more than 10 kilometers per day, but not always. My average was around 7 kilometers per day, which while a personal disappointment, is ok, on an objective scale, I believe, given that I also throw in 40 minute work out at the gym every other day.
But that is not the part that pissed me. I decided to calorie count just out of curiosity. The day before yesterday, I added to the app (which was cute enough to have a drop down list of a variety of dishes), my breakfast (2 idlys with sambar and coffee), lunch (one cup rice with vegetables, rasam and curd), snack (tea with puffed rice/cucumber) and dinner (2 rotis with dal). The app said I was eating 400 extra kcals. for my weight, factoring in the 6.5 km that I walked on that day. I was amused.
The next day, I did a bad thing. I skipped breakfast** because I had an unexpected visitor in the morning ("I never eat breakfast", he said, and the "guest is God" attitude embedded in me since childhood precluded me from eating without offering food to my guest). Instead, I had two cups of coffee (with milk and sugar) and two of those digestive biscuits that look like dried dung and taste like cardboard (or vice versa). I continued the day with a meal plan similar to the previous day. At the end of the day, I input the data into the app. It said I was still eating extra. I was intrigued and checked the break up. I was told that my breakfast was 100 kCals more than I should be eating. Seriously? Two cups of coffee and cardboard is 100 kCals more? I used the eff word multiple times at the app and uninstalled it because it is apps like this that lead people down the bulimia hole. I want to be fit, not insane.
I am back to having deep conversations with my new best friend. This morning I asked her if she was married, and she said "My end user licence agreement is commitment enough for me." I am happy with this much iPhone, thank you.
**Never again. Not worth the migraine hell.