Category Archives: work

The mind or the will?

I must stay away from any form of communication when the monthly visit from hell has been delayed thanks to all the festive junk that have been finding home in nooks of the body, and the associated chemicals not only stagnate, but decompose within the head, raising unbearable emotional stink.

The mind craves for release of the tension in words, but the will stops me from hitting the publish button.

The mind craves for a hysterical, inhuman scream that would emerge from the pit of the stomach and shake the building.  The will stops me from the indignity.

The mind craves for the body to double up on the floor and moan at the invisible hand squeezing the innards. The will stops me from the exhibitionism of private pain.

The mind craves for solitude.  The will fills me with guilt for the craving.

The mind craves for a shoulder to wail upon. The will stops the show of vulnerability.

The mind craves for sharp reprimands to loved ones for not being what I want them to be right now. The will stops me from causing irreparable damage.

The mind craves for an end to the mental chatter.  The will, for once, agrees.

Which of the two, in each case, would win? In a minute, the will would have lost on the first point.  I hope it wins in the others.



When it rains…

Not the rain cloud-based precipitation, although I would love it if it poured because our protected forest area living quarters has finally come under fire, and water is going to be rationed.  When our area faces the heat, the situation may be officially declared as being dire, because we are the privileged lot who are buffered as much as possible from reality of the outside. I am deliberately sweeping the worry under the carpet because it pushes all my panic buttons, and I can’t afford to panic at the moment.

But that is only a digression (albeit a serious one).  The rain-pour analogy is for work. I suddenly have a deluge of work that I must address immediately.  Part of the rush is that I will have  house guests from the land of milk and honey in ten days, to stay for a fortnight, and it would be insane when they are around – two young, spirited boys below 8 years and their parents who are no less spirited than them.  So I had better take care of work before they arrive.

I might write on and off, mostly on, I think because I would need to let off some of the tension.  Hang in there.

And while at it, I have told the tech-soc client that I need a month off for now.  I may or may not return from the month break.  Let’s see how things pan out.

Thinking out aloud

This will probably be boring, but I need to see things in writing to be able to think better.

I am a freelance documentation/content development person/specialist/whatchamacallit.  My main professional activity (in terms of the quantum of payment involved) is writing scientific/engineering proposals for an American client for funding agencies. My other jobs are language editing for local clients (mostly students), occasional documentation for a hospital/cardiologist and, in the past two years, writing up tech-society related articles for a client for the newsletter/company blog/Huffpost entry.  The payment for the last one is decent, the editing work pays dismally, but I do it because I like it, and it is my way of helping students, and the cardiologist thing I have almost phased out because it is very haphazard, does not pay well, and I don’t enjoy it anymore.

My current dilemma is this.  The tech/soc article job had been interesting for two years, and paid decently so I stuck to it.  Lately, it has been getting to be boring.  There are two kinds of writing I enjoy – the formal, objective scientific writing, that is entirely cerebral – no emotions involved. I love that kind of writing. The second is informal writing such as this blog, which is spontaneous, sometimes creative, and cathartic, and is almost always emotional.  The tech/soc article is neither.  It is neither objective enough to be clinically disengaged from my emotions, nor is it informal (meaning, honest) enough to engage my emotions, convictions and beliefs.  Besides, the person in charge of coordinating the marketing efforts (one of which is getting this article into the appropriate domain at appropriate times) keeps pestering me for the article – that is actually unfair, the arrangement was for me to write up an article every week, these days I have to drag myself to write these, and every two or three weeks, I delay the process, in effect making him remind me now and then, which irritates me further because well….I feel nagged.

Every time he sends me a reminder (like a few minutes back) I want to quit because it seems very binding and is no longer fun.  But the money is welcome, and, well, we all don’t always do jobs we love all the time, do we?  I am not sure what to do.  Should I quit, should I not?

That was largely rhetoric, by the way.  But if you have any thoughts on this conundrum, I would love to hear it.

A random self-deprecating thought

Some of you know that I write about tech related stuff for a client.  This week’s was supposed to be around the theme of American independence day.  I wondered if that were even possible –  I mean, how does one connect independence day to technology?

Apparently one does when one’s job is at stake !

The self-deprecating thought is this:  Professional writing can be quite a cowcrapping activity, even if the article comes out unexpectedly good (IMHO).

Shameless solicitation

Yes, I have been writing for the IT company, although I have not been sharing the links here.

The latest one that is posted on Huffpost (a reminder: I am the ghost writer, which means that my name goes in the post script as a “co-writer”, the “co” for all practical purposes intended to be silent) is a bit cerebral, but somehow I liked how it turned out.

Social Media & the Healthcare Sector

Please hop over and read it, and if you have an FB account, I would appreciate a share and/or a like.  It would earn me brownie points with the client and all that.

Yes. I am shameless.


Messy thoughts

Some decisions in life are easy, some are nothing remotely so.   I am currently in the middle of one such life-decision, in which whatever I decide, there are going to be losses.  How do you compare one loss to another and say “this loss is better than that?”.  A loss is a loss, period, and the dull ache that it leaves in the bottom of the stomach is very real.

This is the decision I have been fearing for more than year now.  I had been putting off making it, but we’ve reached a stage where it must be made.  The crux of the matter is that I now have inherited my ancestral bungalow, which is a beautiful, large house in the centre of the city, and I must decide if I should move my family into it or not. From the outside, it seems like a no-brainer – it is an independent bungalow in the heart of the city, why would you not move, especially if it is going to be an upgrade from this tiny (but beautiful) rental apartment we live in now? For one, the commute to the kid’s school and the better-half’s work place would be painful.  Besides, much as it is the house I grew up in, I absolutely love where I live now – it is wooded, safe, and I have a great social life here.  The family is divided as well. One wants to move very badly, and the other categorically  refuses, and I am in the middle trying to make some sense of this and not feel guilty about either decision. Add an ageing father to the mix and I am constantly nauseated it seems. Ironically, the decision to pack up our life in America and move to India was easier than this decision to move from one part of the same town to the other.

The dull pain at the bottom of my stomach is either tension or my adenomyosis acting up again. I hope it is the latter, it can be fixed with medicines.

We have tickets to go to the in-laws home town this weekend.  With these tremors…will we or will we not?

There, rant over.

Crazy idea

I am having this crazy idea.  Take the week off. Tell all clients to go jump, so I can brush my teeth in the morning without simultaneously listing all the documents I need to work on for the day. Spend the days maybe meditating, sketching, painting, reading my kindle and throwing in a siesta for good measure?  Hmm…sounds divine.

I can’t fruitily the crazy idea because

(a) I’d kill my career – my clients work on deadlines and letting them down in the last minute would effectively alienate them.

(b) My brain would kill me without having something objective and tangible to hold on to.

Am I hanging on to a tiger’s tail?