The dreams are back, but with a variation. Usually, I would go unprepared for an exam, usually Tamil exam, in high school, and naked, to boot. Or I would be lost in a colossal multi-storeyed white empty building with large stairs and run up and down these stairs in abject panic. These days, I am in a large college campus, trying to find the classroom, and being completely unprepared for college. Half the time I don’t even know which course I have taken, or if I do know which course I need to take, I have no clue what is going on. There is no panic, but a dull sense of hopelessness. My brain is a garbage dump, and really stinks once the lid of consciousness is opened in slumber. My daughter gets weird dreams too, but my better half says that he does not remember any of his dreams and feels no aftertaste when he awakes. I, on the other hand, need a couple of extra strong doses of coffee to break free of the gloom that lingers after I have awoken from my dreams.
Something else interesting happened. Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing dreams. This friend is a talker, and usually when we are conversing, it is one way, I listen more than talk, partly because I don’t like talking too much, and partly because this person leaves no breathing time for response. This person notwithstanding, in general, contrary to my image from this very verbose blog, I am not a big talker. As I told this friend about my consistent dreams of being unprepared (for exams/for class) , I was told “you have no thoughts in your mind…you never think of anything, hence the singular dream”. The tone was not indicative of “you are thought-free, you enlightened soul”, rather, “you are stupid and empty upstairs”. I know it because more than once I have been told by this person that I have no interests in anything (e.g. I don’t like watching movies, the only movies I watch are with family – both my better-half and kid like to watch movies, as “family time” rather than any personal interest in watching them), no passion (because I don’t passionately argue about or discuss anything), uncultured (because I don’t listen to music when I am working, and I am usually working most of the time), am a hamster-in-wheel (because I am doing something all the time without staring at the ceiling and thinking thoughts) and am, in effect, intellectually dead-as-a-dodo. These have been told to me at different times, under different circumstances, and so I believe that “you don’t have thoughts in your head” is an extension of me being of vegetative state. For a moment, I flared up in my mind as “just because I don’t overthink everything and verbally vomit every thought that crosses my head, I am not a doorknob”, but figured that such a response would only lead to me having to listen to more arguments, and thus moved on.
The thought I had then was this: It is so easy for the world to consider silent people/introverts as being stupid. Being an introvert myself, let me tell you – we are not stupid. In fact, we have more thoughts in our heads because we are not wasting time communicating it to others. We don’t communicate our thoughts because we don’t need inputs from anyone else. My thoughts usually range from banal stuff such as “where can I get a neem sapling to plant on my backyard” to philosophical/spiritual musings on God, mindfulness, hope, faith and death, none of which needs a recipient. We are also sensitive people, and can gauge by the talker’s tone, what he/she really means beyond the words uttered, because WE LISTEN and not just hear.
A quote I subscribe to is “It is better to stay silent and let others think you are a fool, than open your mouth and waste time talking” !